There’s a few overused words I’ve noticed in the last year, “Narcissist” is #1.. Before using any term, it’s important to be informed on the meaning so it can be used in the correct context. This is not someone who is simply conceited, cocky or over confident… the opposite actually, they’re extremely insecure – they’re bullies. It’s someone who truly has no idea of self or true identity… they’ve grown accustomed to wearing masks, and their masters at controlling the narrative.
NDP – Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is just that, a disorder. Don’t get me wrong, this in no way is excusing the toxic behaviour that most certainly will cause damage to others. Psychologists have confirmed, NPD comes from an early childhood trauma while the brain is still developing. It doesn’t have to be physical abuse, it can be emotional of psychological abuse (even not receiving the nurturing one may desire), it can be witnessing traumatic incidents up until the age of 21. During development, these personal traumas can cause the neurotransmitters to shut down/close off to empathy, remorse, resulting in sociopathic or Narcissistic behaviour, NPD. Its a disorder because there is no cure, no pill and this person isn’t capable of being accountable or owning a single action so therapy – isn’t possible.
Surprisingly, I hadn’t learned of this disorder until after 5 attempts, I finally severed ties with a very abusive partner. I knew he was a monster, I questioned if I made it all up in my mind, I knew my reality was shattered and truly felt stable ground was never to be found again… until I began to research my experience for self care and accountability and KAPOW – there it was, point for point… he was NDP personified.
If anyone in your life behaves this way, they may have NDP :
- controlling every aspect of your time with them
- your feelings, opinions, personal space, ideas – aren’t encouraged or valued
- any and all insecurities / weakness’, they use as fuel against you
- incapable of accepting criticism, zero accountability, remorse or regret
- Gas lighting : “sorry you took it that way”, “thats not how it happened”, “you always do this”, “you’re crazy” consistently causing you to question your own sanity by either blaming you for their actions (you caused this) or completely denying incidents. They will advise others of how you misinterpreted something or express concern for your mental state causing others to support them
- they’re usually OCD in certain aspects, their possessions are coveted… including partners & children, but don’t mistake coveting for love – they’re preferred kept on a shelf, like perfect family pictures in frames, to be observed and admired by others, not to be unique individuals “don’t speak unless spoken to” is basically the mindset, your opinion is nothing more than an annoyance
- holidays will be sabotaged, if something is special to you in any way – they will without question, find a way to take that pleasure away from you… it enrages them that they can’t feel emotions authentically, your goodness, they resent because they can’t ever own it
- they wear masks, they don’t have any sense of true self or identity… they’ve learned to adapt by wearing various masks… often admired by others, they NEED constant positive feedback and praise. They’re completely different people inside the privacy of the home then they are in public
- you learn to recognize the triggers in the hopes not to engage the “switch”… this is when Jekyll turns to Hyde – its a literally transformation… the eyes go dead, darting, jaw becomes defined, shoulders raise and almost widen, they stand taller, their gate changes and their personality, like a switch changes into a monster before your eyes. They don’t speak to wound, they speak to gut – and tears enrage them more as emotions such as this, they’re not able to feel naturally so yours – only enrages them and gives them more power
- if you’re hurt or crying, they’ll yell louder, sometimes even imitating you, mocking the way you look while crying, advising you how pathetic and weak you are, often, once they’ve tired of screaming, they’ll stare and smirk at the hurt they’ve caused – they “won”. Then, like it never happened, they’ll offer you a hand to stand up, hug you and advise “it hurts me to see you hurting”… even hand you a kleenex….
- whats theirs is theirs and whats yours is theirs – there is no partnership
- they talk constantly about compliments they’ve received, any good deeds they did, theres no selfless paying it forward – they’ll ensure others are aware of anything they did to be viewed as a “good person”
- you could read facts from a book, if its something they don’t believe or agree with, you’re wrong – and you’ll believe them
These personalities can be anyone from a parent, sibling, partner, child, employer – because at one time, they were small children themselves – who were hurting but it went unnoticed, perhaps even raised by one – often children of a NDP become one or are drawn to one (empaths) as this relationship is what they’ve known from the male or female role model in their lives.
This personality will, without question, damage those who are submissive to them. Its abusive, toxic and emotionally damaging, Removing them completely or setting healthy boundaries are the only ways to protect yourself. Just know, there is nothing a Narc despises more, than being “told what to do”… the only ones who will resent you for expressing healthy boundaries, are those who benefit from you not having any. They can’t change, they won’t change, you will lose yourself trying and will fail. CHOOSE YOU.
SO, before calling someone a “narcissist”… you’re literally calling them an abusive person who has a disorder…. they’re “monsters” who take pleasure from others pain and suffering that they caused…. choose your words carefully, they matter.