I remember vividly the rainy night I was sitting in my favorite muskoka chair outside, consumed with heartbreak and loss, grieving a recent breakup. All the stages seemingly at once of grief (totally can picture a Bridgit Jones manic episode as I type this out). We all have had heartbreak, it can feel like you’re dying inside, every slow song on the radio torments you, situations trigger memories, I won’t even touch on the self induced torture of deciding “The Notebook” would be great selection to watch during this time. Something else happens…. we’re hurting so badly and loneliness is filling up inside, that we start to romanticise the reality. Suddenly the reasons that were blindingly clear that it wasn’t healthy or sustainable begin to be replaced by the “perfect times”, the loving moments, the memories shared together… oh, hello self doubt, was waiting for you to appear. I could easily go on and on about this – however, good things don’t end. Remember the bad, remember how they made you feel over and over again, remember the tears, the loneliness you felt when they were right beside you… THESE are the realities. Easier said than done.. totally get it, but you don’t “get it” until you’re over it. THEN the “why in the sweet holy hell did I ever stay, no, GO BACK multiple times – knowing the outcome would result the exact same or worse – maybe this time ….. CHILD, NO! Its your heart playing games with your head… its not the “hope” this time it will be different – its fear – of continuing on with how badly it hurts, being alone, the long exhausting process of meeting or even the idea of meeting someone else, they couldn’t ever be like “he/she” was, right??? Thats the point, you dont want them to, it ended for a reason (or multiple). Its plain and simple grief. Its normal, if you werent suffering horribly over the loss, you didnt love them.
This however, wasn’t a “normal” relationship or breakup, where feelings are hurt, possibly jaded… this was an extremely toxic, abusive, demoralising, damaging, constant walking on egg shell based, loaded with multiple traumatic experiences mixed in. I didn’t go back once, I went back 5 times prior. I put my daughters and family through the hellish tormoil and constant worry for me, 5 times prior.
I digress for a moment if I may, soon after the breakup, a girlfiend had recommended a book for me to read that helped her during a marriage ending.. “Why Does He Do That”… I downloaded it to my Ipad and read no more than about 3 pages… “WTF”, WHY am I focussing so much energy even beginning to attempt to try to understand how or why he acted as he had (with a long history of the same behavior to others he “loved” FYI), WHY did I ever not just allow this for myself, I chose… no, contintinued to choose him over an over. What’s wrong with me? If asked, I’m a zero BS, blunt when it comes to advise to others, how can I be so willingly neglegent to my own self worth?
The “superpower” aspect of having an ADHD mind, is that theres hyper-focus, its like having the mental ability to process as if a panel of 8 advisors debating in your mind at once. So, this one raining night while the internal playing of my relationships “Greatest Hits” was going off, so was the “advisory commitee”, my broken heart and sad mind all together at once, when it hit me like a bolt of blinding lightening…. Why am I missing him? Why did I choose anyone to be a part of my life like him? I wasn’t a prisoner or victim of circumstance, I saw the flags 3 weeks in and ignored…. actually, why is my history filled with being drawn to broken, damaged men? Why do I almost starve for dominant males approval to validate me? The “nice guys”, great friends, but have always deemed them “weak” to consider dating, just no immediate chemistry. Hmmmmm… theres a pattern here.
Welcome to the stage – Accountability. I had never ever prior, taken a step back in life and said to myself “ok, well isn’t this a fabulous shit show… how did my choices result to this”. Now, I’m not going to sugar coat it and say the remainder of the evening was pleasant, far from it. We all have little compartmental spaces in our minds for memories… as I began to go back farther and farther through the years, teens, child, baby… instead of reflecting on memories as that age, I observed them through adult eyes. Hidden compartments putting together little flash backs that never made sence suddenly fit together, truth be told, nobody can prepare you for when your authentic story & truth appears, we mature, evolve and gain experience as we get older, however, who we are now – was created from every one of those experiences, life lessons, memories. Its a package deal, our character makeup, from the past to the present. Before I realised it, the sun was coming up, I was raw, hurt, angry, sad – a million other emotions mixed into the melting pot, and didnt speak with my immediate family for just over 2 weeks, explaining only that I needed a little bit of space.
If you aren’t willing to be accountable for your choices which played a part in your life – you’re simply covering issues up with a light layer of dirt… the same cycle will continue.