I’ve had a long history of not only choosing partners that would prove to be very unhealthy relationships for me, but more so than this, choosing to stay. I use the word “CHOOSE” because we all have choices in life and I’ve said more times than I can count “I’m not a victim, I made the choice to not only stay, but to go back over and over expecting a different result (definition of insanity btw).
Outward appearances being what they are (facades), many have expressed that I am a positive, intelligent, confident, strong woman. Always smiling and positive – why do I choose this type of “love” for myself. I, since a very young age have been the Confident to countless in regards to relationships (I remember being called out of class in High School to “counsel” on heartbreak and relationship woes), this transcended to current day. The popular line “he’s just not that into you”… I said this back in the 80’s… (wish I coined the phrase… grrr – hindsight is 20/20), yet how and why do I continuously result in destructive, unhealthy relationships?
I had a therapist ask the question “Why, what is the attraction to self destructive men”? I had no answer at that moment and many days following, however the question weighed heavily and lingered in the background like an open tab on the computer. It was months following and dealing with the immense heart break mourning the loss of a relationship I finally made the choice to walk away from when I had the “ah ha” moment.
I was sitting outside on the back deck, a stormy summer night, sipping a glass of wine and playing over a recent break up over and over in my mind. The question was like a constant flashing light in amongst the thoughts. “WHY”? Why am I missing someone so clearly “bad” for me? How can this possibly feel like I failed them, why do I confuse love with hurt and rejection? Being me, I was attempting (failing) to analyze my character as an adult woman. The partners we choose, come from not only chemistry, but also familiarity – what we’re used to. So, instead of asking the “woman”… I looked deep inside myself and looked at myself as the little girl through adult eyes. I went back as far as I could, opening the doors to multiple memories, playing back the childhood days that imprinted and eventually evolved into adulthood. The result of this self exploration wasn’t planned nor could the speed in which all the puzzle pieces that never made sense inside my mind suddenly all fit together. For days following this – I completely closed off, was filled with anger, hurt and blame towards my parents. I became somehow incredibly protective of the little girl that lived in my memories and struggled with the new found clarity to my “why”, uncertain how to move forward holding this powerful anger towards my Mom and Dad, the feeling of betrayal – feelings completely foreign to me. My childhood was perfect, my parents were perfect, I felt the complete absence of solid ground under my feet.
I gained the courage to confront my parents, each separately to express as a woman, the feelings from the little girl who desperately needed to be heard. Many of the painful newly unlocked doors in my mind, I chose to keep to myself, mostly afraid the surfacing would cause too much pain on my now senior Mom and Dad. For those memories, I had to face, allow the feelings to get out and eventually, accept the apology I’d never be able to hear from different individuals so I could allow validation to my inner child, letting her rest so I could move on.
So, “why” did I have a pattern of choosing to stay, loving the ones who I allowed to treat me so poorly? The male figures in my family history, Fathers and Grandfathers, all the way back through the generations, all suffered from Alcoholism, extremely damaging partners to the Women in my family tree. I had an alcoholic Dad (30 years sober), an extremely emotionally scarred, damaged broken man stemming from a very abusive childhood, caused from my Grandpa. A Mom, emotionally abused by her Mom, a Dad who was an alcoholic. The once little girl, who in most accounts, had an incredible childhood, had parents each both very broken. Being a diagnosed apparently text book “Empath”, I was a support to my Father and the keeper of secrets, master of maintaining the facade of the perfect life to my Mother. We all want to have the image of perfect parents, the perfect life, perfect children and in our mind, I think we create this facade for ourselves. My parents are human, they had serious issues never spoken of or delt with, and it took my awakening to have the strength to confront them both and express that I need to break the only cycle I’ve ever known, set boundaries and spoke as a strong Adult, not their little girl too afraid to challenge them.
“Why Does he/she Do That”? Its not important to over analyze why others act how they act, we can’t control this, we can however control how we react and what we allow for ourselves – this truly is where the power lies.//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&MarketPlace=CA&ID=V20070822%2FCA%2Fthegirlinline-20%2F8001%2F476171f8-83d6-4c34-91cc-99c303b25d6d Amazon.ca Widgets