Here’s my selection for the week from emails received. I expressed clearly “don’t ask my advice if you aren’t prepared for an honest opinion”… So, “S” from Bronte, Ont. This ones for you….
“Why do women go after other women’s partners”… this isn’t just about partner “stealing”. I’ve had a couple of close girlfriends from childhood into adulthood, both girls (now women) have always been attracted to Men that aren’t “theirs”. Whether its the thrill of the chase, the challenge as such, the adrenaline rush of the possibility of what could be, the wanting what one doesn’t have, generally. In multiple occurrences, these two friends did manage to attract taken partners, in youth, it was the late night “booty call” usually after the bar and the current girlfriend was dropped off at home, this transcended into married men. I never personally understood why these are the men they CHOOSE for themselves, or why they would ever want to be “the other woman”, isn’t being the ONLY woman what they wish for? Yes, I did ask this many times. Why in the world would anyone choose to seemingly always seek out situations where they aren’t the Leading Lady in their own life – settling for a supporting actress role at best. It will surely result in heartbreak for at least one person at this high roller roulette table. Regardless, its what they continuously were drawn to… “Stealing” another woman’s man, and can/have in most cases succeed. Maybe they seek this type of relationship out because they themselves can’t commit, or perhaps, it’s a relationship they know from the beginning – exactly where they stand, they have the ability to keep an eye out for the upgrade to the partner they’re woo-ing currently. Sure, its possible to result in a lifetime true love following an affair, I do believe some souls are meant to find each other throughout their lifetime, however, in the back of their minds, they know it began from deception and a lie if one of the soul mates belonged to another at the time. That will be their cross to bear. Will they do it again? Sexual chemistry is an incredibly powerful addictive drug and has destroyed many who chose to eat the forbidden “fruit”.
Here’s the hard bottom line – No Woman, no matter how magical she (or her vagina) may be, can ever “steal” a man who hasn’t allowed himself to be taken. We don’t have ownership or pink slips for our partners. We fall in love, and begin relationships by choice, we also remain by choice. Relationships work when we never stop working hard at it, finding a reason to laugh and only having eyes for the one standing right beside us holding our hand.
I’ve had the personal experience of listening to all sides of this sharp edged topic and here’s what I absorbed;
The Other Woman
I’m not evil, I didn’t seek out to ruin your life, this has nothing to do with you. I felt a connection to your partner, it was powerful, I dropped subtleties, whether by eye contact, a graze on the arm, soft giggles or flirtatious comments. He engaged. In time I fell in love with him. I believed it when he claimed to love me too. He wasn’t happy, I made him feel wanted, cared for and I SAW him, you stopped seeing how wonderful he is long ago. He was with you now out of obligation and fear of losing everything he has. He promised he would leave you, it was a matter of “when”… Did you not notice, or did you not want to actually SEE what was going on right in front of your eyes.. he was texting me constantly, if you were home he was likely glued to his phone, never leaving it laying it around, even bringing it into the bathroom to communicate with me. He’d look for any excuse to run random errands – sometimes to meet me even for just 10 min. and then sit in the driveway parked continuing to text me before walking back inside. I wanted him to be mine so bad it physically hurt me. But he always went home to you. You were able to crawl into bed with him at night – you were able to walk out in public and hold hands, kiss anywhere you liked and it was “ok”. I was always the secret, the shame, the empty promise of hope. I made him feel youthful and sexy – alive again. I waited and waited, lived for the notification of a text on my phone like it was a life line. This became my lonely “normal”. Nobody feels good about being the “other” woman. You have him, but omgosh I want him. You have no idea how lucky you are to “just be” with him in “real” life. I envy you more than you could ever know. YOU are his home, I am his secret.
I felt stale, like I was going through the motions of living someone else’s life. We have a history, children, extended families. I miss the newness and the thrill of all the “firsts”. She SAW me, not as a husband or father, as a MAN. I forgot what it feels like to be seen as just “me”. She gave me attention, I got off on it like an addictive drug. I didn’t plan for it, I wasn’t looking for it, but when I saw “it”, I couldn’t look away. The relationship developing between her and I began at the top of the worlds tallest rollercoaster peak and then we held on for dear life. It was fast, furious and thrilling. She always looked put together, nice clothes, hair and makeup done, legs were always silky smooth, she beamed when she saw me and covered me with affection and hung off my every word. I felt like I loved her, when I was with her I never wanted to leave, I dreamt of living life with her – it would be “perfect”. But as soon as I left her, there was a massive weight, a plummet of deep sadness. I would come home to you, maybe you’d yell a “hey” from whatever room you were in, when did we stop “liking” each other? When did you stop wanting to do your hair or dress up for me? When did we stop wanting to tear each others clothes off? When did we stop being friends and enjoying every second we had together? The reasons we fell in love and decided to join our lives as one? When did I become “that guy” who cheats? Do I decide to gamble a safe relationship, my family, our home – for something new and shiny? Just coast through life … I don’t know. So until then, I have my cake, and I’ll eat it…. deep down knowing at some point you will find out, but not today, not yet.
Basically, the “grass is greener” cliche’… is just that, like “keeping up with the Jones’…. there will always be someone younger, richer, better looking, someone always willing to sit in the shadows and pounce on a non suspecting “victim”. They owe you NOTHING, they can’t “STEAL” what clearly isn’t available to be willingly taken.
(On a little side note – to the Partner – male or female – when you’re with your significant other and your eyes wander to the new Sparkly and Shiny – waiting to see if they look back – I’m the girl in line remember – I’ve noticed … you look like a douche. Sorry, but not sorry, you really do. It’s extremely attractive to observe couples looking at the one they’re with. The “sigh, I wish I had that”. If you’re done trying and know the relationship is over and you’re not with the one you want – you truly KNOW this – put on your adult panties and grow up. Leave for the right reasons – not for a fantasy or a lie. Your partner possibly feels the same way if this is the case – be honest with yourself and your significant other).
Don’t get me wrong, this is not a MAN BASH in any regard. The truth is, out of all the couples married throughout my adulthood, more than 3/4 ended, in 1/4 of those, the Wives found “greener grass” – realizing (too late) all they had to do was water their own lawn and they lost a really good dedicated man who loved them – (even with unshaven legs and little sex drive after kids) just not the way they needed to be loved anymore.
Listen to your inner voice… that little uneasy feeling in your tummy… its primal instinct and is rarely wrong. If you don’t trust you partner, feel the need to go through their drawers, wallet, car, phone/computer… to me, these behaviours alone speak volumes and are very unhealthy and wrong, there’s a reason why you feel the need to use your sleuth skills to investigate to find out what they may be hiding from you… dig deeper into yourself – and ask yourself “why”. Then harness the courage to ask your partner what the voice inside your soul has been tying to tell you – but you refused to listen. If you’re feeling you have to find evidence of something, you already know what you’re likely going to find. The honest truth here is, the “other” woman/man didn’t betray you, your partner did.