When to Accept, They’re Just Not Into You…

I had a dear friend reach out early last week, pretty heartbroken as the woman he had been dating for the last 8 months ended the relationship via text (yup… TEXT).

Recognizing there are always three sides to every story, I listened. All had appeared great – was pretty much a sealed deal upon first meeting after both swiping “right” on a dating site. They were for the most part inseparable. He advised she had begun to pull away and excuses started on the “why’s” of how she’s “too busy”, “just a bad time right now”, “dealing with issues”…. then my internal BS radar went off… I offered nothing UNTIL I was asked. Don’t ask my advice if you’d prefer a watered down version.

Bottom line, plain and simple. People are never “too busy” for things that matter to them. Her long list of excuses was just that, BS reasons to avoid seeing him. I should add; single ladies – he’s a pretty fabulous 40-something, feel free to inquire :).

He back peddled a bit trying to convince me (HIMSELF) of the possibility that MAYBE she is busy .. (nope – she’s just not into you), all the stages of denial reared their faces. Bottom line, it’s irrelevant if “someday” her laundry list of excuses miraculously are completed. The reality is, he may never know why it ended, but the sad truth is, that it had. Struggling with the reasons why won’t help or change the result. The fact that a grown adult woman, whom his daughter also became invested also was tossed to the waste side on top of the cowards way out of a text break up – in my opinion, he dodged a huge bullet.

Time spent (over) analyzing reasons to why someone did or didn’t do something are irrelevant, the actions were their choice to make… the only thing you CAN control, is how you choose to react. Your value isn’t measured by someone else’s inability to recognise your worth, never assign anyone that much authority on your life. If someone doesn’t choose you, that’s ok… not everyone will, except for the right ones.

Stay strong BP – shes out there, and if she is allowed your heart, she will be one extremely lucky lady.

“BYE FELECIA”.

Why New Year Resolutions make me Cringe.

Now don’t get me wrong, I feed off of positive energy, goals and aspirations to better ones self, but year after year, almost like herds of cattle, we take our New Year ticket and walk through the daunting gate, expressing to all ” My New Year Resolution this year is…..”.

Resolutions/Hope’s for the year are fabulous, however, goals, are ideas that are put into action, one actually must do the work achieve the wished result. ( for instance, I think tonight, I’ll have one extra glass of wine – now THIS, I could realistically accomplish, if all else were as easy) .

You know when you go to Weddings and Funerals… see people you rarely if ever see and it so often result’s with feeling’s expressed “OMG, its so great to see you, lets promise to spend more time together, lets connect soon and make it happen”.? The encounter likely sparked emotion and truly genuine intent to make the conscious effort to in fact, see them again – at that moment it was completely sincere and expressed with the purest intentions to follow through. The reality is however – if they weren’t a regular part of your life prior, unless you make the change and the effort following the run in, they were just words. Not going to happen.

Resolutions feel the same to me. Statements made at the time, during the moment “YES, I can totally do this, I’m going from 0 – 100 and changing everything that’s a current habit in my life a complete 180.. I GOT THIS, THIS year I’m totally going to nail this”. As its been said “been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and watched the friggin’ movie”… Bottom line, these resolution’s aren’t attainable, leaving the feeling of failure, guilt and remorse, and WHY? Why do we set these unrealistic goals for ourselve’s, a bar that we can’t possibly reach. Why not forget the “bar”, instead of running before we learn to walk, become a strong crawler?

Baby steps. We attract what we put out into the world, I believe this with every fibre of my being… Take weight loss for instance as retail come January 1 are PACKED with getting fit gear, protein shakes and gyms saturate the media luring our vulnerable resolution mindset, so, instead of focusing on the scale, a # and date to achieve it, why to focus energy on living a healthier lifestyle i.e.: DECIDE TODAY, I am going to drink at least one tall glass of water with lemon. DECIDE tomorrow, I’m going to run up the stairs not once but 2 times instead of walk. DECIDE the day after, no snacking after 7pm. Suddenly, before we know it, these subtle ACHIEVABLE goals have been met because we changed our routine, which changed our mindset and the result – created a new habit.

I wish we all have the very best year to date in our lives, personally am thrilled to finally lay 2018 to rest, my hope is, we are gentler with ourselves, we don’t expect more from ourselves than we can realistically achieve because to me, this is self sabotage and that’s not a motivating way to begin a fresh new chapter. Minute by minute, being present in the moment, focussing energy on what we can control, which is RIGHT NOW, not 6 months from now. Learn from the past but not looking back, take lessons learned forward with you. Live for today and look towards tomorrow with enthusiasm because if you can dream it, you CAN DO IT!!!! ps. It takes zero effort to smile at a stranger (but not in a creepy stalker way), a small thing, but could literally be the best part of someone else’s day – #bekind. And Happy New Year to you all. xo

Ask The Girl In Line selection #1 “Why do women go after other women’s partners”?

Here’s my selection for the week from emails received. I expressed clearly “don’t ask my advice if you aren’t prepared for an honest opinion”… So, “S” from Bronte, Ont. This ones for you….

“Why do women go after other women’s partners”… this isn’t just about partner “stealing”. I’ve had a couple of close girlfriends from childhood into adulthood, both girls (now women) have always been attracted to Men that aren’t “theirs”. Whether its the thrill of the chase, the challenge as such, the adrenaline rush of the possibility of what could be, the wanting what one doesn’t have, generally. In multiple occurrences, these two friends did manage to attract taken partners, in youth, it was the late night “booty call” usually after the bar and the current girlfriend was dropped off at home, this transcended into married men. I never personally understood why these are the men they CHOOSE for themselves, or why they would ever want to be “the other woman”, isn’t being the ONLY woman what they wish for? Yes, I did ask this many times. Why in the world would anyone choose to seemingly always seek out situations where they aren’t the Leading Lady in their own life – settling for a supporting actress role at best. It will surely result in heartbreak for at least one person at this high roller roulette table. Regardless, its what they continuously were drawn to… “Stealing” another woman’s man, and can/have in most cases succeed. Maybe they seek this type of relationship out because they themselves can’t commit, or perhaps, it’s a relationship they know from the beginning – exactly where they stand, they have the ability to keep an eye out for the upgrade to the partner they’re woo-ing currently. Sure, its possible to result in a lifetime true love following an affair, I do believe some souls are meant to find each other throughout their lifetime, however, in the back of their minds, they know it began from deception and a lie if one of the soul mates belonged to another at the time. That will be their cross to bear. Will they do it again? Sexual chemistry is an incredibly powerful addictive drug and has destroyed many who chose to eat the forbidden “fruit”.

Here’s the hard bottom line – No Woman, no matter how magical she (or her vagina) may be, can ever “steal” a man who hasn’t allowed himself to be taken. We don’t have ownership or pink slips for our partners. We fall in love, and begin relationships by choice, we also remain by choice. Relationships work when we never stop working hard at it, finding a reason to laugh and only having eyes for the one standing right beside us holding our hand.

I’ve had the personal experience of listening to all sides of this sharp edged topic and here’s what I absorbed;

The Other Woman

I’m not evil, I didn’t seek out to ruin your life, this has nothing to do with you. I felt a connection to your partner, it was powerful, I dropped subtleties, whether by eye contact, a graze on the arm, soft giggles or flirtatious comments. He engaged. In time I fell in love with him. I believed it when he claimed to love me too. He wasn’t happy, I made him feel wanted, cared for and I SAW him, you stopped seeing how wonderful he is long ago. He was with you now out of obligation and fear of losing everything he has. He promised he would leave you, it was a matter of “when”… Did you not notice, or did you not want to actually SEE what was going on right in front of your eyes.. he was texting me constantly, if you were home he was likely glued to his phone, never leaving it laying it around, even bringing it into the bathroom to communicate with me. He’d look for any excuse to run random errands – sometimes to meet me even for just 10 min. and then sit in the driveway parked continuing to text me before walking back inside. I wanted him to be mine so bad it physically hurt me. But he always went home to you. You were able to crawl into bed with him at night – you were able to walk out in public and hold hands, kiss anywhere you liked and it was “ok”. I was always the secret, the shame, the empty promise of hope. I made him feel youthful and sexy – alive again. I waited and waited, lived for the notification of a text on my phone like it was a life line. This became my lonely “normal”. Nobody feels good about being the “other” woman. You have him, but omgosh I want him. You have no idea how lucky you are to “just be” with him in “real” life. I envy you more than you could ever know. YOU are his home, I am his secret.

The Partner

I felt stale, like I was going through the motions of living someone else’s life. We have a history, children, extended families. I miss the newness and the thrill of all the “firsts”. She SAW me, not as a husband or father, as a MAN. I forgot what it feels like to be seen as just “me”. She gave me attention, I got off on it like an addictive drug. I didn’t plan for it, I wasn’t looking for it, but when I saw “it”, I couldn’t look away. The relationship developing between her and I began at the top of the worlds tallest rollercoaster peak and then we held on for dear life. It was fast, furious and thrilling. She always looked put together, nice clothes, hair and makeup done, legs were always silky smooth, she beamed when she saw me and covered me with affection and hung off my every word. I felt like I loved her, when I was with her I never wanted to leave, I dreamt of living life with her – it would be “perfect”. But as soon as I left her, there was a massive weight, a plummet of deep sadness. I would come home to you, maybe you’d yell a “hey” from whatever room you were in, when did we stop “liking” each other? When did you stop wanting to do your hair or dress up for me? When did we stop wanting to tear each others clothes off? When did we stop being friends and enjoying every second we had together? The reasons we fell in love and decided to join our lives as one? When did I become “that guy” who cheats? Do I decide to gamble a safe relationship, my family, our home – for something new and shiny? Just coast through life … I don’t know. So until then, I have my cake, and I’ll eat it…. deep down knowing at some point you will find out, but not today, not yet.

Basically, the “grass is greener” cliche’… is just that, like “keeping up with the Jones’…. there will always be someone younger, richer, better looking, someone always willing to sit in the shadows and pounce on a non suspecting “victim”. They owe you NOTHING, they can’t “STEAL” what clearly isn’t available to be willingly taken.

(On a little side note – to the Partner – male or female – when you’re with your significant other and your eyes wander to the new Sparkly and Shiny – waiting to see if they look back – I’m the girl in line remember – I’ve noticed … you look like a douche. Sorry, but not sorry, you really do. It’s extremely attractive to observe couples looking at the one they’re with. The “sigh, I wish I had that”. If you’re done trying and know the relationship is over and you’re not with the one you want – you truly KNOW this – put on your adult panties and grow up. Leave for the right reasons – not for a fantasy or a lie. Your partner possibly feels the same way if this is the case – be honest with yourself and your significant other).

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a MAN BASH in any regard. The truth is, out of all the couples married throughout my adulthood, more than 3/4 ended, in 1/4 of those, the Wives found “greener grass” – realizing (too late) all they had to do was water their own lawn and they lost a really good dedicated man who loved them – (even with unshaven legs and little sex drive after kids) just not the way they needed to be loved anymore.

Listen to your inner voice… that little uneasy feeling in your tummy… its primal instinct and is rarely wrong. If you don’t trust you partner, feel the need to go through their drawers, wallet, car, phone/computer… to me, these behaviours alone speak volumes and are very unhealthy and wrong, there’s a reason why you feel the need to use your sleuth skills to investigate to find out what they may be hiding from you… dig deeper into yourself – and ask yourself “why”. Then harness the courage to ask your partner what the voice inside your soul has been tying to tell you – but you refused to listen. If you’re feeling you have to find evidence of something, you already know what you’re likely going to find. The honest truth here is, the “other” woman/man didn’t betray you, your partner did.

Back to Basics – the freedom of purging

#lessismore

With 2019 approaching quickly, as do the the lists of resolutions. Why do we set ourselves up to fail? Goals are fabulous (dreams put into actions). But keeping them achievable and realistic are extremely important. I struggle with nightly “tomorrow I’m doing ….” almost daily. I tend to have loads of energy and great intentions late at night, then the morning comes, I find any and every excuse to procrastinate, setting myself up to fail constantly. It begins to weigh heavily. I’ve been asked to assist with a friend’s closet purge. She’s overwhelmed and doesn’t know how or where to begin. I assured her and can say with confidence, this isn’t a rare or unique issue. I expressed it will be difficult and tough love will be assisting me, she wishes to proceed. Here are a few tips and tricks I’ve learned (still attempting to master myself so I practice what I preach). Hope you find them helpful.

  1. BABY STEPS…. don’t look at the entire house and decide you’re going to organize it/clean it. Its WAY too overwhelming and you’ll end up sitting on the couch Netflix binge watching, beating yourself up between episodes on why you’re not tackling the dust collecting upon the piles you promised yourself you’d rid of. Its a vicious circle. Instead of the WHOLE HOUSE.. decide to tackle one small space at a time. A “junk drawer”, a bathroom cabinet, under the kitchen sink, or even yes, the Master Bedroom Closet. ONE space at a time, if you achieve it quickly, move on to the next space. TRUST me… you will be so in love with the tiniest of spaces purged and organized. Its quite motivating.
  2. TOSS, DONATE, SELL… three main rules for any purge project, even for one drawer. Keep whats essential, make the hard choice to “file” the rest. Keep ONLY what you’ve used in the last year. If its special or an heirloom, create another “rule” and store it away in the basement. Let’s focus on the Master Closet,… If you haven’t worn it in a year… doesn’t fit, price tags still on or not… BYE BYE. Having something in your closet in the HOPES that ONE DAY you’ll fit into it… just don’t. If you achieve a goal to get healthy and in the interim, drop a few sizes, reward yourself with something new. Keeping pieces that don’t fit weigh heavily, cause self esteem issues and take up valuable space in the closet. Anything ripped or stained, toss, things salvageable, donate, valuable items, excellent condition, loads of consignment shops or Kijiji/Ebay are great tools to use too.
  3. Basics, my fail safe basics tend to always be blacks, greys, whites and denim (French Capsule Wardrobe- by definition). Monochromatic is my happy place. Try to limit yourself to 5 of each in the closet – blouses, sweaters, dresses, skirts, slacks, jeans, blazers (not shoes – that’s barbaric).
  4. Invest In; A huge stack of thin velvet hangers, 5 wooden hangers for jackets, 5, 5 piece metal clip hangers for skirts, slacks and denim/leggings. Stick to the same colour hangers for a clean looking space, mine tend to be black (my go to). 3 Bins for top of closet shelf.. all the same, great for storing belts, scarves, clutches, whatever you like keeping the shelf looking like a “staged” space, and one you’ll love opening to view your easy accessible, easy to find pieces.
  5. Large Closet Mirror , (or in my case, the HUGE one that leans against the wall with a thick black wooden frame purchased from Ikea, but Homesence has loads of these too). PERFECT to use as a dressing mirror to get a full top to bottom view of your outfit before you leave.
  6. The Dresser … PLEASE, for the love of god… old stained ripped “unmentionables” – THROW OUT… I have always believed that no woman could possibly feel empowered without pretty matching bra & panties. Every woman should own at least 5 good t-shirt bras, black, beige and white, 2 strapless, 2 sports bras & 2 sets of nipple covers (if you can wear depending on size) and at least 7 pr of clean / no line panties. Treat yourself to a bra fitting, if you’ve never been – your “girls” and your back will thank me. The majority of the female population is wearing the wrong size bra – so sad for the ta-tahs… gravity is NOT their friend. My Mom finally took my advice – she always wore a 38 C… she was actually a 34 D. Immediate “boob” lift and appeared 10lbs lighter… Enough said.

Hope these little tips and tricks help bring your boudoir closet back to its full potential and a space that feels like a sanctuary, not a self created torture chamber of despair and sadness. Remember having less “quality” items that you will actually wear, is more, than a room jammed full of clothes, bags, shoes and various piles of “what-evers” that you don’t use.